Harvard News 4/9/84–Editorial –
CURRICULUM ANALYSIS MDCLIX – THE P.E. DEPT.
By E. Randol Schoenberg, Editor-in-Chief & Barton Samuel Aronson the III, Nothing of Import
THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED HERE ARE THOSE ONLY OF THE TWO FOLLOWING EDITORS WHO HAVE TAKEN IT UPON THEMSELVBES TO CRITIQUE A SCHOOL THAT THEY STILL ATTEND. NOBODY KNOWS WHY A STUDENT WHO CAN’T GET AN “A” IN A COURSE HAS A RIGHT TO CRITICIZE IT. WELL, HERE’S BART AND RANDY.
I
It’s ten o’clock and I have nothing to write. I feel that this should be blamed on the simply anemic curriculum of the Physical Education Department. This department has been a bastion of higher education until recently when the department’s once daring and unconventional curriculum became outdated. A simple browse through the curriculum guide reveals the problem. We feel, NO YOU FEEL RANDY, oh shut up Bart, that the curriculum must expand to adapt to a new era in education. The solution is an expansion in the opportunities for students who do not participate in team sports. YOU MEAN WIMPS LIKE US RANDY, yes Bart. What can we do? ANYTHING BUT DON’T GIRLS IN. Okay Bart, we won’t. Just look at the courses offered by the P.E. Department, or should we say lack thereof. We feel that the Running for Fitness course should become a full department, with beginner, intermediate and advanced courses in running, along with some courses on the sociological aspects of the running craze. This is merely one example of the changes that can and should be made.
II
Well I do not need to emphasize the circumlocutionary aspects of that bastion of fecundity you have just perused. We all know who enscribed that absolutely proletariat piece of fiction to paper. It was our totalitarian, dictatorial leader Randy (don’t call me Eric) Schoenberg. Well now that he has gotten everything I wanted to say in this article into a michegas, I will have to correct his faux pas.
The real problem that underlies and defines the Department of the Education of the Physical Aspects of the Human Organism, herein referred to as the P.E. Department, is that they might someday let in GIRLS. OH DRAT, MY LIFE IS IN A STATE OF DISREPAIR AND DESTRUCTION. I feel the real problem is that of repetition and redundancy. If females of the opposite sex or girls are let into this institution we will all suffer to our demise. Well now that I’ve redefined the word circumlocutionary and the act of saying very little, by saying nothing but being damn impressive, I will leave this fine institution and go on to pursue a career of politics.